50% of You are Lying

Here's one thing I know about you mom: At some point you thought to yourself "I fucking hate those kids" or kid, if you were wise enough to only breed once. You didn't tell your best friend about it for awhile, maybe like 3 years, but then one day you just blurted it out "I hate being a mom".

And what did your best friend say?

Or maybe it wasn't your best friend. Maybe it was your cousin's wife who happens to have kids about the same age as yours. This is the person you call when you just screamed at your daughter for looking at you that way, or your son for holding onto the leg of your pants for goddamn hours on end. What does your almost relative say?

"I know. My kids are driving me fucking insane."

There, your dirty little secret is out. And what I propose is that about 50% of us moms feel that way. That other 50% is fucking delusional. Or older, or into God or at least yoga (I bet they want me to capitalize that). Those older one's were begging for a child, trying soooo hard, spending good money, and praying for the right number of chromosomes. Then here comes the miracle baby. You love things when you work really hard for them.

Wait, am I implying that since I can get pregnant just by looking at Brad Pitt in Fight Club, that I somehow love my children less? Hmmm. Not less, just differently, like with a healthy dose of reality and irritation. Not to mention skepticism. They can be up to anything at any given moment. I don't fucking trust them. Not to go all Hobbes and Locke, but seriously if man were essentially good than he wouldn't start out by biting down on his mother's nipples so hard that he associates blood with lunch.

The God ones and just mellow into the whole world moms? Ugh. Please. Shut the fuck up. Yeah, yeah, so you spent all day playing charades and trying on each others shoes. So happy everyone is so well adjusted at your house (and trust me, us other mom's we are so onto you: We see you fucking grind your teeth and smile a little too tight. It's actually called passive aggressive. And meds. Ha!) Go volunteer and let everyone think you're wonderful so I don't have to. Thanks.

So welcome to blog. My unabridged, unedited, and unbelievably unsympathetic look at motherhood.